I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I wish this was real life…
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.