It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Best seat on the street 😍
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.