@RealSudoNim: I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache.

@_davidlucas_: If your human doesn't feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up. ~Cats, apparently.

@_youhadonejob1: Unfortunate placement.

@CantWaitToNap: Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down. THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

@TheDailySchmuck: They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple. Clearly, the book was altered. Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.