@UncleDuke1969: Me: Why the fake mustache and hat? Wife: Your text. M: Huh? W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”. M: Um, Honey- W: Call me Bandit.

@scott2ten: Co-worker: Face up or face down? Me: Um. What? Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down? Me: I'm not mature enough to answer that.

@BuckyIsotope: HORSE: *walks into a bar* BARTENDER: Why the long face? HORSE: Updog BARTENDER: What’s updog? HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

@KKAlThani: The girl at the table next to me is having a salad. Not as a starter, but as a main course like some kind of rabbit.

@WheelTod: [On date] Me: Duck! That's my wife outside the restaurant Her: What!? Your profile said "single dad!" Me: Exactly. We're a one dad family