@DiamondLou69: Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

@FeverFlave: First date: And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you...

@TEXASVETERAN: I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe

@shithoarder: Thanks to Twitter I can tell people I read.

@BuckyIsotope: You're in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do- "Bread guy"