Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Growing up was a huge mistake
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable