@GerryDuggan: Let's vote the pool water off that celebrity diving show.
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@Breadery: My daughter: I know everything Me: What's the capital of brazil? My daughter: that's a secret
@KentWGraham: MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
@Rlpihl: [driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]
@ryaninco: North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.