“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.