“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me refusing to leave twitter
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*