@BrooksErrDay584: Misery loves company. Company: "I have a boyfriend."

@oakhillbargrill: Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet? Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes? Wife: What? Me: What? Communication is hard

@Brianhopecomedy: My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

@Tinkerbell_: If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it. Not happy but so be it.

@yoyoha: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.