@bigmacher: "Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife's question: "how does my make-up look?"

@kibblesmith: Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

@PieChord: Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

@ilovepie84: I've replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes. Now we wait.