Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent