Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans