Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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This is Damn delicious!đđđ
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like âoh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in hereâ
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for workâŚlike girl. All this and half your mess canât get a season 2??? Be fr
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, itâs a joke Leonard. Calm down.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: đ
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside Iâm going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features â:-for the notifications to go awayâ
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Sometimes itâs just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
They call it âchildbirthâ lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day canât get any wor
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.