One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
You Might Also Like
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
🤣😂🤣
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right