@simoncholland: Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can't handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@behindyourback: *falls down a well* *Lassie runs to the edge and peers down* *me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
@jenniferfralic: Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
@geowizzacist: My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can't see anything in there. 3: That's because I flushed.
@GeorgeTakei: Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by "A man who layeth with another man must be stoned."