@simoncholland: Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can't handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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@johnbiehl: Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
@theevilwriter: When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
@CoopFogg: When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I'm a pretty princess". And they do. And I am.