Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Pass gas, not judgment.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.