If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
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“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.