Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
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jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”