@kimmie_1980: Level of singleness: yelling, "pizza's here!" So the delivery man doesn't think all the pizza is just for me...
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@Brianhopecomedy: Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
@iRowlf: You can get a free carton of ice cream at the grocery store if you eat the whole thing before the cops show up.
@ranndrew: Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.