roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
You Might Also Like
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
the #horror is real!
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.