All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Facebook memories be like
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now