Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Art by Pastelkatto
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Happy Star Wars day!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Word!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?