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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.