LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Netflix: We have Less
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Its a hippotatomus
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.