Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!