@NikiWithIssues: Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he's really into phone calls.
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@TheDreamGhoul: [inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
@internetluke: [police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don't like to? Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables. 5: Because Mom is scary? Bingo.
@osigat: <- I've been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.