@NikiWithIssues: Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he's really into phone calls.
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@BlaineBruce: My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
@AthenaMystique: I'd only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine. WHADYA MEAN THEY DON'T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT'S THE POINT, THEN?