Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You Might Also Like
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.