Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
You Might Also Like
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I love the National Park Service.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My love language is deader than Latin
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps