Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
become ungovernable
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Still a very good boi….
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar