LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Every work meeting this week
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Ape together strong
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
see you in hell you stupid fruit
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes