Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Worst Native American name ever.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing