Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy