Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
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•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.