ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.