Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”