Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”