Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.