*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
A wise man once said nothing.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies