Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead