Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.