Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Barbie gone wild
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
how to market bottled water to dads
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
A short story of betrayal: