*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
the saddest jazz hands ever
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
who wore it better?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”