LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
WHO DID THIS?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?