Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when