Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.