[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
consequences, the bane of my existence
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.