Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.