License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
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They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.