*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Oh no