@jessforaminute: Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America's Next Top Model or the Hamburglar
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@OrangeFact: Once a 7-year-old said he'd come at me "with the fury of 1,000 angry geese" during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
@amydillon: *ties husband's hands to headboard* *turns out lights* *opens laptop* "Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation 'Curtains: How About These?'"
@EndhooS: Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing.. Wife: OMG [storms off] Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA [Priest faints]
@ehdannyboy: "Better out than in," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Terrible heart surgeon.