Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Are these grass-fed oranges?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.