*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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goldfish mafia
Sign of the day..
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs