*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
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He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
🤣🤣🤣
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
That’s what I call a flat tire
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.