*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Today’s Times
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.