*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Lol
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.