*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history